Self-regulation starts in infancy; some children regulate arousals and sensory motor responses by sucking their thumb when they hear a loud noise. When your child was a toddler, she started complying with your requests.
Now at age four, your child is showing more complex self-regulation skills. For instance, your child will clap after she sees you put on a silly show, but she will not clap while you are giving directions. Self-regulation skills develop gradually over time.
Parents of four year olds can see firsthand how difficult exhibiting self-control can be by witnessing how four year olds push limits. This can be frustrating for you, especially when you are told by pediatricians to make sure you repeatedly and consistently set clear limits.
However, when you state limits repeatedly and then hover over your child to follow through, this will not support her ability to learn self-control. It just creates a situation in which you and your child go back and forth, ultimately ending with her crying and you raising your voice.
Try walking away when your child loses control and see what happens. When your child loses the audience, she tends to calm down. Return later and ask your child if she would like to talk about what just happened.
You play a critical role in shaping your child’s self-control. You want your child to learn through you and not through lecturing and at tempts to persuade or bribe. Remember, parents must model self-control and not expect it to come naturally for children. It is a skill that can take well into adulthood to master.
Modeling can take place in the following ways:
1. Include your child in decision making (e.g. food choices and what clothing to wear).
2. Offer your child periods of uninterrupted play.
3. Engage in conversations with your child about situations that happened with friends (e.g. sharing toys).
4. Help your child name her emotions and give her suggestions of ways she can calm down independently (e.g. listen to music, look through a book, engage in art).
