For instance, when your child stops playing and begins cleaning up when asked or impulsively shares a toy with a friend these are demonstrations that she has regulation of her emotions, thoughts, and behavior. Much practice is required for your child to learn how to regulate herself in the first five years of her life.
You play a key role in helping your child regulate her thinking and behavior. The best way to help her is through modeling during ordinary activities. Your child is getting cues from you, for instance, in situations that require turn taking, such as waiting to be served food.
Self-regulation is not a skill that stands alone; it also affects other areas such as cognitive development. Thinking affects emotions, and emotions affect cognitive development. When your child cannot self-regulate effectively, she will move from one activity to another as opposed to engaging in each one.
For instance, you have probably observed your child become frustrated during an activity and say, “I’m not good at this!” showing she cannot regulate her anxiety. She then walks away from the task, unable to persist in a challenging activity.
If your child uses self-regulation skills, she will say, “This is hard, but I can do it” (the emotion leads to positive self-esteem behavior). She will then try to figure out how to accomplish the task (the cognitive skill is persisting in problem solving).
Self-regulation requires your child to intentionally make a decision to do something other than what her impulsivity directs her to do. Think about a time when you witnessed your child take a friend’s toy; you had to step in and help her return the toy. This resulted in her getting upset and crying. Your child was unable to use self-regulation skills and acted on the impulse of wanting the toy and taking it. As a parent, you know this behavior is not acceptable and involves thinking and emotions that do not support appropriate or effective social development.
Therefore, you must help your child develop self-regulation skills by using different strategies, such as modeling (playing a sharing game), using hints and cues (“Remember, whose crayon is that?”), and gradually withdrawing your support to let her practice these skills.
Modeling is how your child sees you react to situations. Cues are the directions and gestures you give to help her move in the right direction. It is very similar to a mother bird and its baby: Mother bird shows her child how to f ly and then she just has to let the baby do it herself. You show your child how to self-regulate, and then you have to let her try. You will have to demonstrate appropriate behavior more than once, and that is normal.
Helping your child learn to persist in difficult learning experiences is one of the most important results of developing her self-regulation skills. Also helping your child control her stress-based or anxious or angry emotions by modeling appropriate responses helps her develop into an emotionally well-balanced adult.
