Parents can be overwhelmed by emotions, but over time we have learned some strategies to help us regain control. Strategies could include taking a moment to count to ten or calling a friend to talk about your frustrations. But when your child has such feelings, he is not yet able to use the same coping or self-regulating mechanisms.
Self-regulation is demonstrated by your child’s ability not to act upon his first response. You will see your child use self-regulating strategies such as calming himself by sucking his thumb, tolerating waiting minutes for his turn, sitting and focusing on a book being read to him, or refraining from hitting another child who has moved into his space.
There will always be a time when your child does not like to hear the word no. It is important to take a moment and look at the situation from your child’s perspective. Then ask yourself if you are expecting your child to understand or do something when he is tired or does not understand what is being asked of him. Are you giving your child time to calm himself down (waiting before you react)? And have you been teaching your child the skills he needs to calm down on his own (holding a beloved toy, sitting for a little bit)?
If the answer is no and you still require your child to accept your request then you are forcing obedience through control; this is not being supportive, and it will delay the development of his self-regulation skills.
In addition, it is imperative that parents are also modeling self-regulating behaviors so that the child can imitate, practice, and internalize what is being modeled for him. Self-regulation is the cornerstone of your child’s social-emotional development and will be seen in all areas of development as your child matures.
Self-regulation skills develop slowly over time; this is why it is important for parents to have realistic expectations of their children.
